Death

"Have you ever thought about those who have passed away? When you start to remember your loved ones who are gone, you think about all the good that they showed you, even if you did not notice it at that time. You feel sad because you miss them so much. Some of them may have been your favorite people or some just really close to you. Nonetheless, you still remember them and feel warm inside, knowing that you were in the presence of such great people. It truly is a blessing to have good company and frankly quite rare nowadays. 

You start to have flashbacks of all the things that you have done with that person and all the lessons they have taught you. You pray for them because that is the only thing that brings you closer to them even though they’re gone from you. 

In the end, you stay hopeful because you know you’ll see them again some time and thank them for what they have taught you. Death is an interesting event in our lives that can either be a positive or negative thing don’t you think? You can be negative and think death is something depressing and try to evade it all you want. Some people try to maintain their youth unnaturally but that’s only from the fear of being dead. On the other hand, you can understand that you will be in that same position as your loved one and that you should try your best to better yourself every single day. Right? I think that sometimes you have to think about what happened yesterday and try to do better. I feel like death can sort of be a motivator because you never know when you’re going to die.

 So I guess what I am trying to say is don’t fret the small thing in life. Everyone has different phases that they go through but just remember that it shall pass just like everything else does. Stay strong. You’re capable of becoming a better person and having a positive life."

Words.

Words, scrambled words. That’s all I can see. They’re more of a huge bile of messy thoughts that is just want to pour out of my head. Words that I want to make into ink, but they’re all lost in my head. My mind can’t figure out how to make those words into thoughts, and those thoughts into ideas. They say your thoughts can free you, but those scrambled thoughts are just killing me. I feel trapped in them, I feel I’m a prisoner of my own mind. Thoughts, they’re just random words that I can’t figure out. That I can’t let out, that I can’t touch or feel.

No tittle

"Maybe mistakes are what make our fate… without them what would shape our lives? Maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn’t fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. After all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. But it’s comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart… and if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away.”

August 8th 2011 -> March 10th 2014

I was going through my endless notes on my phone from the past couple of years and I found this from back in 2011. it was a hot summer August day. I still remember it like it happened yesterday. Crazy how time flies, right? I don't know why I was too caught up in being resentful. I was lying down in the living room in Kuwait. I remember how itchy my skin was from the burning heat. My dad was yelling at us for turning on the air conditioner even though it was 100 degrees outside. His frustration and anger were taking over his pale face. His whole body was full of Chemo and anger. Those two combinations, let me tell you, are not fun at all. I don't blame him though, his weak skinny body couldn't even bare a spring breeze because the cancer was taking over, who am I to make it colder for him? Maybe that's why I was very resentful. And I thought life was that tough back then.. hah.. Silly me. If only I knew then what I know now. If only. The funny thing is, I am much hopeful now than I was back then, even though life got so much tougher & painful than before. I guess what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. I feel after this crazy storm between the years of 2010-2012, I got lost in the end, but now I feel I'm going back into myself slowly. It's sad long process. Some things are going back, some are just dead and never coming back. Back then, I stopped enjoying the little things in life. I took a lot of things for granted. A. Lot. Now.. the little things in life is what all matters to me. Nothing else does, because how do you know you'll ever feel them again? I'm much more grateful. much more. I am not sure if I even know Muna in 2011, maybe that point in my life was just a blur with all the emergency room visits, relationships and life in general. So here it is, (I promise I'm not that depressing anymore): 

"I've been always known the optimistic girl in the family, the one whose always calm and is never mad at anyone. I was never a person who complains about the simple stuff like "my nails aren't perfect" or "there isn't enough sugar in my tea". Once a upon a time, I was a girl who is cheerful; who believes in prince charming and fairytales. people wondered how do I manage to keep a smile on my face, how am I so sweet and caring to people; too caring actually. Friends would ask me how I manage to laugh when people make fun of my weird taste of music. Kids used to love my cheerful spirit. As the years passed, and as older I got.. things started changing."Life happened" I guess.. part of me died when I grew up, my sense of childhood died; I turned from Ms. cheerful to Ms. depressing. The sunshine in my life has gone. My smile was always there; it's just not really real anymore.

I never realized this major change in me, until now. Until I completely isolated myself from the world. I don't feel the taste of life anymore. I used to enjoy listening to a song I like, rides in the car with my sister used to be enough to make me happy, staying at home all day used to be a relief for me. Now, none of these things really have a meaning to me anymore; It's like I feel nothing. I don't even keep in touch with my friends anymore. I became antisocial. The simplest things in life don't bring joy to my soul anymore.

I keep wondering, what has happened to me? Where did the sense of living my life to the fullest go? What makes me feel so alone when I'm surrounded by people who love me and care about me? Everyone would think I'm crazy and ungrateful for feeling this. Being so lucky and blessed with so many people and opportunities in life. I can't help what I feel though.

The old me would try to find a positive thoughts in all this, would try to make things right, but the new me isn't even thinking of changing anything.. isn't even trying to fix anything. The old me would have appreciated the smallest things in life, would have appreciated the people who love me in my life. But I'm all stuck in the new me whose too lazy to do anything or change things. I'm giving up.. I'm surrounding to the new me. When did I become like this? When did I become angry with everything and everyone around me? I'm still trying to figure that out."

I can quite say  I enjoy the smallest thing in life again.  I guess it takes a tragedy to know the beauty of life. 

Change

I’ve been told by many that I've changed. Well, isn't that the point of life? To change? I understand people who refuse to admit that change is good. When really think about it, change is the only consistent variable in life. We might think everything else is consistent, but really what keeps this life going is change. Everything else fades. Everything else dies. Nothin' really last except change. 

Deep Darkness

I've had different people telling me I've changed into a dark person. On a good note, I've been told that I've become a deep dark person. Well, the deep part could be a plus, right? 
Well, yes. I’m not young, shiny, and bright. I’m not the corny, cheesy kind of a girl. I’m not like the girls who see rainbows and butterflies. Yes, I don’t see life that way. I may be dark and cloudy, but that’s how life shaped me, that’s what my struggles made of me. Yes, you can call me dark and cloudy, but don’t call me broken. This life hasn't broke me and I don’t need anyone to fix me. I think the right word would be fragile. I'm just very fragile but strong. Strong as a rock because that’s what life has made of me. Dark, cloudy, and strong. Trust me that’s greater than seeing rainbows. I’d rather be that, than bright and shiny.