I was going through my endless notes on my phone from the past couple of years and I found this from back in 2011. it was a hot summer August day. I still remember it like it happened yesterday. Crazy how time flies, right? I don't know why I was too caught up in being resentful. I was lying down in the living room in Kuwait. I remember how itchy my skin was from the burning heat. My dad was yelling at us for turning on the air conditioner even though it was 100 degrees outside. His frustration and anger were taking over his pale face. His whole body was full of Chemo and anger. Those two combinations, let me tell you, are not fun at all. I don't blame him though, his weak skinny body couldn't even bare a spring breeze because the cancer was taking over, who am I to make it colder for him? Maybe that's why I was very resentful. And I thought life was that tough back then.. hah.. Silly me. If only I knew then what I know now. If only. The funny thing is, I am much hopeful now than I was back then, even though life got so much tougher & painful than before. I guess what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. I feel after this crazy storm between the years of 2010-2012, I got lost in the end, but now I feel I'm going back into myself slowly. It's sad long process. Some things are going back, some are just dead and never coming back. Back then, I stopped enjoying the little things in life. I took a lot of things for granted. A. Lot. Now.. the little things in life is what all matters to me. Nothing else does, because how do you know you'll ever feel them again? I'm much more grateful. much more. I am not sure if I even know Muna in 2011, maybe that point in my life was just a blur with all the emergency room visits, relationships and life in general. So here it is, (I promise I'm not that depressing anymore):
"I've been always known the optimistic girl in the family, the one whose always calm and is never mad at anyone. I was never a person who complains about the simple stuff like "my nails aren't perfect" or "there isn't enough sugar in my tea". Once a upon a time, I was a girl who is cheerful; who believes in prince charming and fairytales. people wondered how do I manage to keep a smile on my face, how am I so sweet and caring to people; too caring actually. Friends would ask me how I manage to laugh when people make fun of my weird taste of music. Kids used to love my cheerful spirit. As the years passed, and as older I got.. things started changing."Life happened" I guess.. part of me died when I grew up, my sense of childhood died; I turned from Ms. cheerful to Ms. depressing. The sunshine in my life has gone. My smile was always there; it's just not really real anymore.
I never realized this major change in me, until now. Until I completely isolated myself from the world. I don't feel the taste of life anymore. I used to enjoy listening to a song I like, rides in the car with my sister used to be enough to make me happy, staying at home all day used to be a relief for me. Now, none of these things really have a meaning to me anymore; It's like I feel nothing. I don't even keep in touch with my friends anymore. I became antisocial. The simplest things in life don't bring joy to my soul anymore.
I keep wondering, what has happened to me? Where did the sense of living my life to the fullest go? What makes me feel so alone when I'm surrounded by people who love me and care about me? Everyone would think I'm crazy and ungrateful for feeling this. Being so lucky and blessed with so many people and opportunities in life. I can't help what I feel though.
The old me would try to find a positive thoughts in all this, would try to make things right, but the new me isn't even thinking of changing anything.. isn't even trying to fix anything. The old me would have appreciated the smallest things in life, would have appreciated the people who love me in my life. But I'm all stuck in the new me whose too lazy to do anything or change things. I'm giving up.. I'm surrounding to the new me. When did I become like this? When did I become angry with everything and everyone around me? I'm still trying to figure that out."
I can quite say I enjoy the smallest thing in life again. I guess it takes a tragedy to know the beauty of life.
No comments:
Post a Comment